The Hogwarts Talent Show
by HermioneGNherLuvr4eva
Summary: This is the hogwarts talent show...funny


Hogwarts Talent Show  
Scene: In The Great Hall   
McGonagall: (to the students) Attention, attention please... (still noise) QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(silence) Thank you. (she sits down and Dumbledore stands up)  
Dumbledore: Today we are having our annual talent show and we have these contestants...   
1. Harry Potter & Ronald Weasley  
2. Draco Malfoy  
3. Hermoine Granger  
4. Minerva McGonagall  
5. Professor Binns  
6. Ruebus Hagrid  
7. Yours Truly, Albus Dumbledore  
8. Fred and George Weasley   
9. Lord Voldemort  
10. Oliver Wood & Quirrell  
11. Lucious Malfoy  
12. And A special guest appearance   
So I think we should get started contestants number one, come up.  
Lockheart: No, no, no, you're supposed to announce me Gildory Lockhart!   
Dumbledore: Fine! Just do it quickly.  
Lockheart: Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye (Nsync song, Lockheart gets pulled off the stage)  
Dumbledore: Bye, Bye! Now lets get Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' ya!  
Harry Potter: Well, we're here to sing a lil' song...  
HP: He's got crafty older brothers who invented Tongue Toffees  
RW: He's got spells from Lupin that can bring dementors to their knees  
BOTH: We've got camaraderie that we're describing as first-rate  
What ain't we got? We ain't got dates!   
HP: He's got posters for the Chudley Cannons plastering his room  
RW: He's got magical defenses that put Voldy in eclipse  
BOTH: What ain't we got? We ain't got ships!   
HP: I have just been ordered to find a dance partner to open the Yule Ball by Professor McGonagall   
She made it quite clear that she was not in any way shape or form being ironical   
BOTH: We've now got to find a date  
Somewhere in the school...   
It is gonna seem longer than a lecture by Binns  
To attend this ball with Parvati twins  
On a dang'rous, difficult, daunting, desparate, date! (Everyone Claps)   
Dumbledore: Next we have Draco Malfoy. ( Draco walks out )  
Draco: (music turns on and he starts tap dancing and singing to "Favorite Things)  
Toad guts and rat spleens and lacewings and leeches (tap tap)  
Slimy things floating in jars where he teaches(tap tap)  
Bicorns and bezoars, billywig stings(tap tap)  
These are a few of Snape's favorite things (tap tap)  
Wrecking the roses, evicting the smitten(tap tap)  
Bagging on Ron because I got bitten(tap tap)  
Binding up Lupin with magical strings(tap tap)  
These are a few of Snape's favorite things (tap tap)  
Telling Me to cast Serpensortia (tap tap)  
Catching those prats with their blue Ford Anglia(tap tap)  
Swishing his cloak like a big pair of wings(tap tap)  
These are a few of Snape's favorite things (tap tap)  
Stalking Hogwarts (tap tap)  
In the evenings(tap tap)  
Searching high and low(tap tap)  
'Cause picking on Harry's his favorite thing(tap tap)  
Wherever the kid may go. (tap tap)  
Threatening harm until someone confesses(tap tap)  
Which side he'll end up on, anyone's guess is(tap tap)  
Is he a good guy or is it a sting?(tap tap)  
Pondering Snape is my favorite thing (tap tap)...  
(Strange looks come from all the students even Snape. The only one that clapped was Dumbledore)  
Dumbledore: Umm... Thank you for that interesting...thing Errr... Lets move on .....now next up Miss Hermoine Granger.  
Hermoine: Ok!   
You have to understand I have a 'fro, my hair,  
No hairspray, mousse, or gel could calm these locks, my hair,  
You'll never turn this mess to something nice, my hair,  
But I do,  
What I do,  
Each time through,  
And I'm through,  
With my 'do'  
Toodle-loo!   
Bye, bye, my 'froed out hair,  
You are beyond repair  
No more Paul Mitchell's care,  
Cause now it's over  
And it's beyond a prayer  
Without a spell to share,  
I'm better off without it,   
My hair...   
(She takes her pony tail out and hair goes everywhere. Half clap and say she really needs a brush or something)   
Dumbledore: Yes, well, that was great. Thank you Hermione, I think.  
Lockheart: For my next act I will perform a daring feat of...   
McGonagall: GETTING OFF THE STAGE!! (Lockheart is yanked off the stage again) That's better!  
Dumbledore: Hit it Minerva!  
McGonagall: Not Minerva, it's M & M! (Goes into a punk rock drum solo, and singing) Two transfig students go round the outside, round the outside,  
round the outside. Guess who's back, back again, ....(goes into a spoof song)  
Dumbledore: (Jamming to the beat, even though the music has stopped) Opps, sorry, I just got really into it. Anyway, our next contestant please...  
Lockheart: ME!!!   
Everyone: NO!! (Lockheart is dragged off the stage once again)  
Professor Binns: Hey kids. (strumming a guitar) On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.... (sings the song)  
Dumbledore: Thank you Professor. Next we have Rubeus Hagrid and his version of...er...is this right?  
Hagrid: Yep!  
Dumbledore: Ok then...  
Hagrid: Are you ready kids?   
Students: I, I, HAGRID!  
Hagrid: I can't hear you!  
Students: I, I, HAGRID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Hagrid: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?   
Students: Spongebob Squarepants! (and on and on)  
Dumbledore: Lovely. Next is, well, me! Well, I was going to tell some jokes but now I've got something even BETTER!!!! Gilderoy if you please. Lockheart: ME!!   
Dumbledore: Yes, YOU!!!  
Lockheart: YESSSSS!!!  
Dumbledore: Would you be so kind as to step into this box?   
Lockheart: Sure!  
Dumbledore: Ok now, I am going to close the lid. As you can see, Professor Lockheart is now in the box. With a few magic words and Ta Da!!!!! (opens the box) Gilderoy Lockheart is completely gone!!!! (Wild cheers from the audience) Thank you! Next we have the Weasley Brothers...  
Fred & George: We had some good jokes for you today, but however, they were a little .... um... well you get the picture. Anyway, we are going to sing a song for you...(Fred starts to play a banjo)  
George: (singing) Does your chewing gum lose it's flavor on the bedpost overnight?   
Fred: Oy! Oy! If you cross a kangaroo with a turkey can you stuff it from the outside?   
George: Stuff you from the outside! Come on play the song!  
Fred: Oy! Oy!  
George: He's back, he's back!  
Fred: If Tutenkhamen got sick would I call his mummy?  
George: Call your mummy! (finishes song)  
Dumbledore: Bravo! Bravo! I'll be calling your mummy later! I'm just kidding! Joke! (Fred and George don't find it funny) Now we have... Lord Voldemort? Is this right. (A cloud of smoke)  
Voldy: It is I, the GREAT & POWERFUL LORD VOLDEMORT! (He actually gets applause) If you don't applaud my act you will all bear my wrath. Yes I will bring back Lockheart! (the audience is petrified) Now then! (Voldy plays his music "The Dance of the Reed Pipes"~ From The Nutcracker, and does a ballet, he finishes taking a sweeping bow everyone cheers wildly not wanting Lockheart back.)  
Dumbledore: That was...ummm....(Voldy gives him a nasty look) THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE YET!! (Voldy looks satisfied and walks off the stage) Next we have Professor Quirrell and his assistant Oliver Wood...(Quirrell walks on stage dragging Oliver behind him, who obviously does not want to participate.)  
Quirrell: (sitting in a chair) Say hello Ollie...(violently nudges Oliver)   
Oliver: Hullo. (everyone looks stupidly at Quirrell)   
Quirrell: Ollie has a couple jokes for us, right Ollie?  
Oliver: No. (Quirrell gives him a mean look) Oh, THOSE jokes...(getting an idea) I once had DADA teacher who was sssssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooo............(hard nudge from Quirrell)  
Quirrell: A HEM!!  
Ollie: Well how's this one...Why did the blue chicken cross the road?   
Quirrell: I dunno. Why?  
Wood: To get away from Quirrell! (Oliver makes a break for it)  
Quirrell: Wait! Come back! O well, never mind. I have a back up act...My lizard & I are now going to perform...  
Dumbledore: That's enough Quirrell. The first part was entertaining enough. (Quirrell twitches and leaves) Next we have Mr. Lucious "Vanilla Ice" Malfoy? (Draco runs for cover)  
Lucious: (clears his throat, and strums a banjo) I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy for the stage, too sexy for the stage...Ice Ice baby...dum dum dum dum dum dum...I have a nice butt & you cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny...Who let the dog's out who who who WHO let the dogs out! Beat it, beat it! Keep on rollin' rollin' rollin'...Y M C A! Y M C A! MACHO MACHO MAN!!!!!!!!!! I've gotta be a macho man...you can't touch this da nanana...the roof the roof the roof is on fire...roller coaster of love whooo ooo ooo ooo...stop in the name of love... It's raining me...the love shack is a little old place where we can get together, bang on the door baby...we could dance if we want to...hey macerena... it's eckelectric...you put your right hand in you put your right hand out...that's what it's all about!! Oy! (Draco is seen banging his head off the table, Goyle is telling Malfoy it could be worse) Walk like an Egyptian! (Goyle- I take it back)  
Dumbledore: Errr...Very good Lucious...  
Lucious: Wait I'm not done...Come Mr. tallyman tally me bannana...  
Dumbledore: Yes you are (presses magic button and Lucious falls through the floor) And now we are very privileged to have a special guest, who has a very interesting talent. I give you the Amazing Johnathan...(Cheers for real entertainment.) Your on AJ! (silence) A hem, Mr. Amazing? Hello? (Instead Snape takes his place, Dumbledore gives him a strange look & whispers) Where's the Amazing Johnathan? (the audience looks confused)   
Snape: He's tied up at the moment.  
Dumbledore: Er...Ok? Now what?  
Snape: Don't worry, I know his act...  
Dumble: Umm...I don't know...O well... go ahead. (Snape leaves and comes back a few minutes later) Ok, change of plans...I am pleased to announce the Amazing Severus.  
Snape: I would like to ask that all the previous performers come here NOW!! Including Lockheart, especially Lockheart...(They all return, except Lockheart who shows up a few minutes later, they had to return him from Siberia). Ok, if everyone would please SIT DOWN for a moment...  
Lockheart: But? what are we do-   
Snape: QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!! (loud cheers) THAT WASN'T THE ACT!!!!!!!!!! (everyone goes silent again, Lockheart doesn't press his luck, quickly sitting down...) As I was saying, if everyone would please look here...(they stare at his wand, Flitwick is seen in the audience going "Swish & Flick", soon they all fall into a trance) You can see that all these people up here REALLY are thick...And we can make them do stupid things. (sn*****s from the Slytherins, Quirrell starts to act like a chicken) DID I SAY ACT LIKE A CHICKEN QUIRRELL?!   
Quirrell: Bock. No. I just thought it would be funny.  
Snape: And I thought it would be funny if I hexed you right now. (Quirrell sits down looking nervous) Now then,...  
Potter, you are being chased by Jar Jar Binks.  
Weasley, there is this really large spider following you everywhere.  
Draco, you really want to be exactly like your father.  
Ms. Granger, you can't understand why you are suddenly stupid.  
Minerva, you are madly in love with the Amazing Severus (What Snape doesn't know is that this is accidentally directed at Lockheart.)  
And Binns, you are doing every type of extreme sport you can find ,including bungee jumping off of bridges.  
Hagrid, you have the mentality of a 5 year old.  
Albus, ha ha, you think you are Lord Voldemort.  
Fred and George, you can't figure out why both of you look alike.  
And Lord Voldemort, you think you're are Drew Carey on Who's Line Is it Anyway.  
Oliver, you are rooting for the Slytherin team in Quidditch for all eternity.  
Quirrell, you are running for your life from trolls, lizards and blue chickens.  
Lucious, you think you are one of the Blues Brothers...(He pauses)  
And, for our lovely Professor Lockheart (gets a nasty smile)...you think you are a fat, flabby, teenager, with no sense of taste, the girls hate you, you have no friends, you are ugly-as-sin, you have no talent, the only thing that is keeping you alive is the fact that you are at least as equal as pond scum, when you look in a mirror it cracks, you have a million years bad luck, you have been cursed by a mummy, you are in complete misery, and you think that Quirrell is the sexiest man alive...(more laughter from everyone) When I snap my fingers you will all awake one at a time (aside) acting like idiots. (he snaps his fingers)  
Potter: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
!!!!!!! JAR JAR BINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (runs around the room screaming bloody murder) JJJJJJAAAAARRRRRR JARRRRRRRRR......... (once Snape had had an earful of screaming he tells Potter to sit down, Weasley gets up)  
Weasley: (more screaming) AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT KEEPS FOLLOWING ME!!!!!! STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Snape, having enough of all the noise)   
Snape: Ok Ok ! SIT DOWN WEASLEY!!!!!!!! (Draco gets up and does a skit)  
Draco: I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy for the stage, too sexy for the stage...Ice Ice baby...dum dum dum dum dum dum...I have a nice butt & you cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny...Who let the dog's out who who who WHO let the dogs out! Beat it, beat it! Keep on rollin' rollin' rollin'...Y M C A! Y M C A! MACHO MACHO MAN!!!!!!!!!! I've gotta be a macho man...you can't touch this da nanana...the roof the roof the roof is on fire...roller coaster of love whooo ooo ooo ooo...stop in the name of love... It's raining me...the love shack is a little old place where we can get together, bang on the door baby...we could dance if we want to...hey macerena... it's eckelectric...you put your right hand in you put your right hand out...that's what it's all about!! Oy!  
Snape: (Giving Hermione a book) Tell me, Ms. Granger what is the answer to 2 +2?  
Hermione: I think it's 22. Wait. No it's not. I don't know. Let me see that book. (she tries to read but can't) I CAN'T READ!!!!!!!!!!! WWAAAAAAAA!!! I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
Snape: SHUT UP YOU STUPID GIRL! (Hermione shuts up, Minerva gets up, Snape looks pleased for the time being)  
Minerva: I feel so...I feel so..so..DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at me!! Just look at me I'm so fat, ugly, and flabby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I need a hug. (sobs)  
Snape: WHAT?!   
Minerva: Is that...Is that...Quirrell? QUIRRELL!!!!!!!! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN, YOU SEXY MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Snape suddenly looks ill)  
Snape: Well, then, who got Minerva's? Ok Binns, what have you got to say for yourself?  
Binns: (leaping of the stage) WWWWWWHHHHHHHHOOOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a rush! Let's do it again! (climbs in his chair the opposite way) TAAAAALEEEEEEEEE HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (then pretends to be surfing) HANG TEN DUDES!!!!!   
Snape: THAT'S enough! Sit down. (Hagrid gets up)  
Hagrid: He he, you made a funny.   
Snape: I made a funny did I?  
Hagrid: NO, you look funny! Ha Ha! WWWWWWWWhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!   
Snape: ALL THIS WHINING!!!!!! ERRGHH! NEXT!!!!!!!!!! Albus...  
Albus: My name in LORD VOLDEMORT!!!!!! Do you wish to bear my wrath?   
Snape: No.   
Albus: To bad muggle lover!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA MU HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!   
Snape: AAAAAAAAA SHUT UP! (Fred and George take the stage)  
Fred: Is that a mirror?  
George: No you must be an imposter!  
Fred: No I'm not you are!  
George: O yea?  
Fred: YEA!!!!!!!  
George: Bring it yo!  
Snape: STOP!!! (Fred and George hit the floor in a trance) Lord Voldy, if you please...  
Lord Voldy: Gooooooooooooooood Evening everyone.....Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway where the show's made up and the points don't matter! Yep the points don't matter just like the Amazing Snape guy's shampoo...  
Snape: (sarcastically) O that really hurt.  
Lord voldy: Time for a hoedown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need some suggestions for something that you wouldn't want to find in your closet.  
Everyone: The Amazing Snape!!!!  
Lord Voldy: OK (Hoedown music and really insulting comments at Snape)  
Snape: THAT'S ENOUGH MR. CAREY!!!! (Voldy Carey stops, and Oliver leaps from his chair)  
Oliver: GIVE ME AN S...Give me an L....Give me a Y....  
Snape: We are going to be here awhile...  
Oliver: What's it spell!!!!!! SLYTHERIN!!!!!! Whose going to win? SLYTHERIN!!!!!!!!  
(singing) What does it take to be number 1 !!!!!!! 2 is not a winner, 3 nobody remembers...WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Snape: Thank you Oliver...NOW SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!!!!! (Quirrell sprints from his chair)  
Quirrell: TTTTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IN THE DUNGEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLUE CHICKENS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!! AGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIZARRRRRRRDDDDDDDSSSSS!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Snape: Yes, Quirrell, perhaps you can join Potter and Weasley, they have unseen phobias also. (Lucious resumes his normal self)  
Lucious: I'm a soul man...I'm a soul man....If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin....My boyfriend's back....It's my party and I'll cry if I wanna...da na nana Hey! dananana... Nanana na nanana na HEY HEY HEY Goodbye!  
Snape: Your right goodbye!...er... NO! (Lockheart runs from the room for a moment, Snape makes sure he is gone before attempting to make a run for it, Lockheart returns and it is too late)  
Lockheart: (in a feminine sort of way) Sorry, I forgot my mascara... (Snape feels sick) I say Minerva (who is still sobbing) Quirrell's cute and all, but he's not near as sexy as Snape (Minerva breaks down into more tears. The audience thinks this is sssoo funny but scary at the same time)  
Snape: No! Sit! STAY! (Lockheart gets uncomfortably close)  
Lockheart: Give me some sugar big boy!  
Snape: I'll give you a whack on the head! That's what I'll give you! (he hides behind a chair attempting to threaten Lockheart.  
Lockheart: Ohh.. but were standin' under mistletoe sweet cheeks.  
Snape: (giving him an evil look) IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS!!! Do these Cheeks look sweet to you?!  
Lockheart: I wasn't talkin' about those cheeks...  
Snape: You ought to think of some last words...cause I'm going to kill you when we're done!  
Lockheart: But aren't you tired...  
Snape: WHAT?  
Lockheart: Because you've been running through my mind all day. Did it hurt?  
Snape: 'Scuse me?  
Lockheart: When you fell from heaven.  
Snape: You are definitely not living through this. (Lockheart comes after him, Snape makes a break for it, Lockheart nails him) GETTOFFAME!!!!!!!!  
Lockheart: Its ok, Snapey I will love ya anyway (gives him a big wet sloppy kiss on the cheek)  
Snape: Break the spell. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Harry: (Harry has had enough of Jar Jar, and is looking for a deal) What will ya give me?  
Snape: GRRR!! I"LL GIVE YOU NOTHING YOU LITTLE PRAT!!!!! (to Lockheart) GET OFF YOU BIG OVERGROWN SISSY BOY!!!!!   
Harry: (teasingly) O fine then, you will have to spend the rest of your life with Lockheart...Of course he would want to marry you.  
Lockheart: MARRY YOU!! I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!!!  
Snape: OK ALRIGHT!   
Lockheart: You will!?  
Snape: NO!  
Harry: Well I think it's worth about 100 Gryffindor points plus an A in Potions for the rest of the year...  
Snape: (really upset at this point) POTTER!........... FINE!  
Harry: That's good enough for me (Harry mutters a spell).  
Lock: Oh... Oh dear um.. What are you doing down there?   
Snape: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! (Lockheart runs for his life)  
Harry: (has a nasty smirk on his face) BRAVO!!!!!!! (Everyone erupts into cheers)  
Dumbledore: Ok quiet down...And the winner of our little talent show is the Amazing Severus & Co. plus myself. We all win!   
  
After the show....  
Filch: I need one of my good brooms Ms. Norris...Blasted Weasley's! (Opens closet...) AAAGHH!!! Who are you?  
Amazing Johnathan: I'm the Amazing Johnathan, I was supposed to be on stage, ooo 5 hours ago.   
Filch: Get outta my closet!  
Amazing Johnathan: Ok I'm going, weird these people..

Lockheart: (in his dressing room, seen putting on lipstick) You know, nobody said I was hypnotized in the first place...besides makeup makes me look so much more sassier...(admires himself) 


End file.
